Me Time.!

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you got.”
Janis Joplin

Things might be much easier if I could keep this in mind at all times. Don’t get me wrong I am not putting myself in harms way or anything, but I do have a tendency to put myself second. I seem to offer unconditional help for the issues my loved ones and friends (sometimes even acquaintances) are going through, whether it is their fault or not. See in this exchange I forget about focusing on myself.

I mean have you ever found yourself putting others’ interests, happiness, and needs before your own?

As my grandma has told me many times, “You can’t take everyones stuff on as your own.”

So as a final push from comfort to courage I encouraged myself to focus on my own emotional needs. You know, be a little selfish for a change and put me first.

To start I took a little “me time,” time to think, clear my head, and reflect. I sorted out with myself the many things that I had been avoiding thinking of, such as relationships that either need to improve or need to be let go of.

I reached out and told people things that I have been needing to say. And whether the conversations were negative or positive I know they needed to happen, as I learned a few entries ago.

For the first time in awhile I felt a sort of relaxation. I took care of myself, which I need to do more often and I will do with more often. Because as Janice Joplin would say, I am all I have got at the end of the day.

And as my last entry for From Comfort To Courage I am more than content with beginning this journey. Because for the rest of my life I will continue to try to push beyond the boundaries I set my self and outside of the familiar. There through exploration of the new, you find growth.

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

Something New.!

There is no better way to describe me and my ways, other than to say: I am a creature of habit. I order the same meals when I got to restaurants, I walk the same way to classes everyday, and I even keep the same general routine. Do not get me wrong now,
there is some spontaneity in my life.

But I am sure you can relate to this, generally doing or choosing to act in ways that are familiar to you. I mean what I can I say, that is what is easiest. That is what is comfortable right?

Imagine making a conscious decision everyday to blur the carefully laid out lines of our everyday routines, our lives.

This is just what I did for the past week. I switched things up and choose to consciously do things that I would not normally do. One a day to be specific. 

Here’s what I did:
Friday: I spoke in one of my classes, that I have never spoke in before.
Saturday: I went for a run outside. (Instead of the stuffy Gym.)
Sunday:I tried a new flavor for wings over. (I still favor my honey barbecue though.)
Monday: I asked my neighbor to go for lunch.
Tuesday: I decided to walk a different way to my classes.
Wednesday: I wore a little makeup. (It was a nice change, but it wont become a regular thing.)
Thursday: I tried a new restaurant, Baby’s. (I recommend it!)

Let me say, it was a little refreshing to change things up in my daily routine. I think us, as a society, get so caught up with what we know that we never try to step beyond that. This was just one more push towards courage.

Signed From: Comfort To: Courage

Guarded.!

I am sure most can relate that the pressures of life do not necessarily become easier over time, rather we learn how to better manage and cope with obstacles and changes. Depending on the individuals we all have different responses. Up until now I have been accustomed to managing on my own, handling things without help. Rarely would I seek out advice or a shoulder to lean on when I was upset.

See I always thought of that as being a weakness. So as you can guess, crying was something I just would not do, specifically in front of others. That was just out of the question. And for those who know me, know I value my independence and I have a great deal of pride, live I’ve mentioned in other entries. Because of this I had yet to allow my self to step beyond these boundaries I originally established for myself.

For this week I made it my challenge for me to express myself and open up emotionally. Now when I say this I do not mean with everyone around, rather with those who I trust and those who my problems deal with.

Now I can’t describe the amount of hesitance I had concerning this push “to courage.” But as I found myself upset through out the week, I forced myself to talk to someone. Whether it was the person who I thought to be source of the issue or someone who I knew who would genuinely care to listen. And although the week is up now that I am writing this entry, I will continue to try and open up. Coincidentally I am going to my grandmas this weekend for Easter and I can talk to her. I must admit it feels good to open up a little. I feel a little lighter.  

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

& P.S:
Just as an update, like I said I would in my last entry, I just wanted to write about the public speaking I said I was going to do this week. I read aloud my extra credit question I submitted to the professor. It went real quick and was not that big of deal. (I say that now that it is over) No, really most people in the lecture did not turn around to look at me. I think the worst thing is the anxiety before. Now that I know this I just have to find ways calm my nerves down.

Signed (again): From: Comfort To: Courage

Public Speaking.!

Public speaking, yikes! That is what comes to mind when I hear a project coming up requires an oral presentation. It’s funny though because the anxiety I get, typically at least, goes away not long after I begin. And I think to my self, this was not as bad after all. Now why I can not remember those moments leading up to my next public speaking requirement I’ll never know.

But what about those moments when it’s not required? For example, what do you do when it comes to speaking in large lectures or presenting in a club. Sometimes I find myself not minding and other times I just keep quiet.

I am almost positive that for 90% of people who hate public speaking it is because of a fear of judgement. With the spotlight on you, it’s as if you think the whole room is judging, negatively. While the fact is, yes some will judge but its never really as bad as you imagined it. I know this is the case for what I think at least.

For this week I thought why not force myself to do something I would probably never normally choose to do? Why not push my self to speak in a large lecture?

My Stat 200 class is in 101 Thomas and I decided I will submit a question to a forum on ANGEL. Where then the professor will read it aloud in class and I will have to read the answer afterwords.

Now I only I cheated a little because technically I did not do an action this week, but the questions are only read on Fridays so I will be reading it aloud next week.

I’m sure it will feel good to push myself to do something new, that how we grow right?

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

Spontaneity.!

While home for spring break I had a lot of time on my hands. Most of the days I spent catching up with friends and sleeping, of course. (Who didn’t?) But one day I found myself going through my memory box in the back of my closest. In it I came across my senior yearbook and started flipping through the pages. Though it was less than a year ago I was in high school, it felt as if ten years had passed. Reminiscing on the memories from high school and reading the many signatures I came across one that I had not paid much attention to before.

It read:
Alexis enjoy Penn State. Never lose your strong willed and hard working nature. But remember to have fun to! And after two years you've finally learned how to catch a football.
- Coach Henderson

Reading that made me sit back and smile. I thought, my (powder puff) football coach knew me better than I thought! The part about “remember to have fun to” was something I needed to hear.

I was reminded that not everything needs to be serious and more than that, that college is about more than just maintaining a certain GPA. Yes, I know first hand it is good to live life thinking about your actions before you do them, but it also very safe. It is something that I have done 95% of the time in my life.

So for this week I figured I’d step outside my comfort zone and be spontaneous. I decided I would do something for me, something that makes me happy. Afterwords I would than worry about if there would be consequences or if it wasn’t the right decision. At the end of the day the wrong decisions made are the ones that cause us to learn and grow stronger.

I’m sure you’re wondering by now what I did. I went and got a rook piercing. (It is a place on the ear, for those who have not heard of the rook.) I didn’t think about it first. I just got up one day and said I’m going to go get a piercing. And guess what? It felt good.

You should try it once and awhile. Just do, not think.

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

Pain.!

Pain, we all want to avoid it and I know for me that is at all possible costs. Thinking about it now the fear of pain is what shapes our actions that affect many aspects of life. In some cases, maybe even most cases that’s necessary, avoiding situations that are potentially harmful to ourselves.
But what happens when this very apprehension of fear that typically acts as a protective mechanism, holds us back? What happens when we hold ourselves back from opportunities and things we know are in the best interest?

See the fact is there will be things in life that hurt & still are the right decision in the long run. Understanding this, I wanted to step beyond the familiar.

This week I decided to take action on things I know were good for me despite the initial pain or uncomfortableness. How did I do this?

First I made myself start wearing a retainer again. You must be thinking that’s no big deal, right? Well for those of you who have had braces and retainers, I don’t have to explain the painful feeling of putting a retainer in after a year of having it out. Over the past few months I noticed my teeth shifting, if I had listened to my orthodontist and had worn the retainer every day after my braces were removed I would not have had that problem. Since I didn’t listen, I knew how my teeth ache. But I could not let the initial pain hold back what was good for me.

On a more emotional level and without getting too personal, this week I also brought myself to say certain things to my boyfriend that were necessary.  It was an uncomfortable and uneasy feeling to initiate that conversation. Though it led into an argument it was things that needed to be said. See looking at the big picture, it helped our relationship though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I don’t want to ever look back on my life and think of all the instances where my own fear of a little pain held me back from what was good for. So I took another step this week.

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

The Little Things.!

It’s the little things in life that matter. How many times can you say you’ve heard that? 100? Its true, today’s society is so concentrated on money and success that we have drifted from appreciating what matters.

I started to think about all of this during a cab ride. If you have ever taken a taxi before (which I’m sure you have), some drivers like to make small talk. I guess it helps make their job a little more interesting. So anyway, I was asked what I was studying in school and what I wanted to do. When I answered I wanted to become a child psychologist, I was told no you should go where the money is like opening a school. (I’m not even sure if that is where “money is” with the present economy, we’ll pretend it is. ) Can you imagine its become more important to make money than to follow your dreams or help others!

And although I’m mentioning this story, we all know this is not uncommon.
So for this week, I didn’t necessarily do something new or take a new attitude that would push me beyond my comfort zone immediately. Instead I made a promise to myself. I made a commitment that I would follow my dreams, follow my heart, and stick to my convictions. Now I know these are not as simple as they are to type. It means I have to believe and trust in myself. There will be times where I will have to stand alone and situations where not every one will agree with me. But if that is how it has to happen, I think I’m ready. Eventually I’ll put in this scenario and though it won’t be easy I will go beyond my comfort zone.

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

Pride.!

In my senior English honors class I was asked to post a blog about what I considered to be my biggest flaw. It did not take me much longer than a few seconds to come up with my greatest imperfection, hubris. (No worries if you do not know what that means, I had not heard of the word before this class either.) Hubris is of Greek origin meaning excessive pride. Of course having pride is not a negative thing. Up until a certain point it is actually a positive characteristic to possess. In my case the issue results from the fact that my pride tends to hold me back. See it is to the point that I will avoid asking for help, admitting I am wrong, or even expressing when I am not okay to prevent appearing as weak. How ironic is it by trying not to be seen as weak a flaw is developed, a weakness in it's self.

This is not anything new. I have been this way for as long as I remember. But now I am changing that, well trying to at least. It is all about the baby steps right?

This week I took it upon myself to lay down my pride, an action that is typically unheard of for me.

I went downtown and received tutoring. This may not seem like a huge deal, I know. But for me to be able to say okay, "I need help," meant I was admitting I could not do it all on my on. Being an aspiring Paterno Fellows, one of the requirements is to maintain an ‘A’ in statistics this semester. Realistically thinking I knew I could not accomplish this without help. I realized how dumb it would be if I did not continue in the program because my pride held me back. So I went to!

Unfortunately there are so many things in life that could potentially hold me back or get in my way of me accomplishing my goals. Why let my self be one of those obstacles? I no longer want to be too prideful.

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

A Text.!

This entry differs from the last two in a way. For this week I focused on an action of mine that is very personal and an issue that I am much more emotionally invested in.

High school years were far from the easiest times, as I am sure many of you can relate. My home life went through many changes and by the time I graduated I had no relationship with my mother.

See being who I am, when I feel emotionally vulnerable I shut down and avoid situations  and instances where I need to be open and expressive. In turn I have been hesitant to try and rebuild the amazing relationship we once had, many years ago. I always think to myself I’ll deal with it all eventually, but not now I have so much going on.

Which is just an excuse I have used to avoid admitting to myself I am a little scared.

So this week my mother and I text, the brief conversations were filled mostly with small talk. But regardless, I am proud I started somewhere.

I know eventually the small talk will be replaced with the real and raw conversations that need to be had. I can’t predict how everything will turn out. What I know is I do not want to ever look back and say I wish I would have tried, I wish I wasn’t so stubborn. Because of that I stepped one foot out of the box and will continue to push myself beyond my comfort zone.

From: Comfort To: Courage

Exercise.!

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am not one for exercising. See I would not label my self as non-athletic, rather someone who finds more enjoyable ways to spend an hour or two of their day.

My baby step towards courage, for this week, was to jump start my exercise routine.

This all began with my all too cliche new years resolution, one that I am sure half of the U.S. population made. I told myself I would get back into shape and in turn become healthier. I am a little embarrassed to admit it has been since 9th grade that I have done consistent physical activity.

So, a few weeks ago I joined the gym and this past week I began my routine. I will be kickboxing twice a week and will be using the elliptical a few days of the week.

First day of kickboxing was rough to say the least. I felt awkward and extremely out of shape within the first few minutes of class. Looking around, it seemed as if the entire class was keeping up but me. There were even a few moments when I stopped doing the movements and thought, there is no way I can finish I feel like I am dying. (Yes, I can be dramatic.) But I did finish and I am proud of that. Even if It takes a long time to get back to where I was four years ago, at least I took the first step.

I wanted to point out that in that class there was one person that stood out. I could not believe my eyes that there was a actually a male brave enough to attend and fully participate in kick boxing. That is what I call courage in every day life, he violated social norms and was comfortable enough in himself.  We can all Amen to that!

Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

Compliments.!

    I must admit deciding on an action of some sort to commit to for this past week was not as simple as I envisioned it. I kept finding that I would stop and think, “You can not do that!” So I figured I would begin small.

I have to start somewhere, right?

I focused on giving compliments. Now when I say that I do not mean I forced my self to put together insincere and half-hearted praises. Instead, I found that multiple times during each day I would think “Hey, that’s a real cute shirt,” or “I have to find that nail polish color, I love it,”  and I would never tell the individual. How many times can you say you have done that?

After giving it some thought I realized I probably hold back in avoidance of those possible awkward thank yous or looks, expressing why is she talking to me. I am sure many can relate.

Surprisingly though, throughout the week I had no negative or awkward situations. To the contrary, I found individuals appreciated the compliments and in most cases it generated small talk. In one instance, I ended up speaking with a girl on my dorm floor that I had never before held a conversation with. One less person in my building I’ll have to worry about having an awkward elevator ride with. We all hate those!

So what did I take out of this? Don’t let the anticipation of judgment hold you back! I mean people are going to judge any way right? The worst they could think is, “Why the hell is she so friendly?”


Signed: From: Comfort To: Courage

The First Step.!

I always admired those individuals who I thought of to be courageous, those people who are not afraid of the unknown or bounded by the familiar. Many of us, including my self, go through the same daily routines and actions each day to stick with what feels comfortable. At times I feel as if I live too much on the safe side, instead of living life to the fullest. My mission is to abandon comfort in hopes of reaching courage. Your probably thinking that is a big goal, I know! What I am talking about will not happen in the period of this semester, honestly it might never happen. I am not imaging my self becoming a hero, I just want to push myself.

So, my plan is to each week set a goal to do something, an action that I would not normally do or I’ve been wanting to do but have not had the courage. I will push myself to step outside of my comfort zone. Within this blog I will record and reflect on my actions, reactions, and feelings. Weekly, I will also include an individual, whether that be a stranger I saw around campus or character within a movie, I think exemplifies courage. By analyzing their actions you and I can better understand what it is I admire or strive for.

This blog will be my baby steps, From: Comfort To: Courage.